Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
