we have pet lesbian snakes
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm like, not good at living.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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