I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
