Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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