I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
