Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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