drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
