just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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