How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
