i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
