even my farts smell like vagina
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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