im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
