I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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