having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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