he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
