i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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