Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
