I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
