I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
