i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Randomize
