ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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