I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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