Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
