Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
