she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
