I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
