I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
