I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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