OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
