my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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