Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
