I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
