Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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