Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
