Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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