also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
