Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
