Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I can't turn off my feet"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
