i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
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