dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
