If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Less talking, more tequila
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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