she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
