WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
