I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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