Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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