I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
