not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
