I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
