he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
