Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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