he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
