i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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