my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
