At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
And then my night got REAL pukey
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
