Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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