I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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