its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
