i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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