So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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