i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
